In Memory....

(this is a very long post. I apologize in advanced)

My brother once asked me why I loved him.
I thought about it for a long time and the only answer
I could come up with was
"Because I just do."

Now years later, I still struggle to find an answer.

The same brother that asked me that question passed away a few years ago and I have found myself thinking of him all day today. His birthday is in a few weeks and since I will be throwing my girls birthday party on the same day, I thought I would write a post in memory of him before I forget.

Roughly 2 1/2 years ago my husband and I were driving in our car. Pretty much at the same time, we both had a very bad feeling. We both knew something was wrong. We could not tell what was wrong, but we definitely both had a bad feeling. About a week and a half later, we got a call from my mom with sad news that my brother had passed away a week and a half earlier.

For months after his death I struggled to feel emotion about it. I struggled to even cry about it. Talking with Michael, we decided that since I rarely saw him, I was not feeling the pain of his death yet. We knew that it would come eventually but my life was not altered in any way since he had lived so far away.

It was about a year later that I was driving with Nora in the car listening to music. I had a quick thought about my brother, and that quick thought turned in to a memory and before I knew it, I pulled over to the side of the road and I was in tears. It had hit me.

I have so few memories of Douglas. I was far younger than him and rarely had the chance to even get to know him. Most of what I know about him are stories told to me by others. But I do have a few memories and I am grateful that I have those.

Things about Douglas I remember:
--He had a wonderful smile. I loved to watch him smile.
--He had very long fingers and he used them when he talked.
--Every now and then he used to breath through his teeth and make a weird sound (those who knew him know what I am talking about). I catch myself doing it sometimes and it reminds me of him.
--He was always quick to make sure I talked correctly. He was very intelligent and hated to hear words used incorrectly.
--He loved to go on walks and hikes. I went on a walk when I was very young with him. I don't remember any of our conversation (as long as it was) but I remember we walked for a few hours.
--He was very good at drawing. I loved to look at his artwork.
--He would always hug a pillow when he was watching t.v.
--He loved children. I still remember watching him play with Nora when she was just a baby.
--The Sourdough Gym
--Rufus Wainwright (I will forever think of Douglas every time I hear Rufus sing).


I am so grateful for my husband and the quick friendship he made with Douglas. They were always laughing together when the family got together and I am so grateful that Michael was able to meet and become friends with Douglas.

I will forever be sad that my children will not get to meet him. He would have loved them. They are wonderful and fun and he would have had a ton of fun with them.

One of the last things I ever heard Douglas say was "Utah has the best bread". He was referring to Grandma Sycamores bread. After he flew back home, I kept telling Michael that I needed to mail him some bread. The thought kept coming to me to mail it to him, but every time I was at the store I forgot.

I don't think by me mailing him some bread he would have changed his mind. But, the one thing I really regret is that I had a chance to let him know that even though I don't know why I love him, I did love him and I was thinking of him.

Happy Birthday Douglas!